Page 46 - the NOISE MAY 2016 Edition

Realty Check
short story by Sandy Stone illustration by Jury S. Judge
Ward Hogg, editor of the Backwater Republican Advertiser Gazette, summoned reporter Cal sinai into his office.
Referring to the advertising director, Florine “Flo” Cash, ward said, “Flo has come up
with a brilliant new feature to boost revenues from the real estate community. Real estate drives our economy. Beginning next week, you will do a weekly feature on a home for sale in our circulation area. we’ll call the feature ‘Realty Check.’”
Cal shrugged.
“you are grimacing. you don’t sound enthusiastic,”ward said. “I’ve got a lot on my plate,” Cal said.
“Make more room on your plate,”ward snapped back.
ward showed Cal the prototype for the assignment: a main story featuring an interview with the real estate agent, a detailed description of the home and other information such as the amenities where the home is located, including swimming pools and golf courses. A box accompanying the story gave the sale price, financing available, homeowners’ association fees (if applicable) and the contact information for the real estate office.
Cal’s first assignment was at the Leachfield springs Golf and nudist Resort. ward advised BRAG photographer Len s. Capp to use discretion when taking photos. “This is a family newspaper,”ward said.
Len took Cal in his pickup on the 20-mile drive to Leachfield springs. As they neared their destination, billboards called attention to the subdivision — “play duff in the buff!” accompanied by a drawing of a naked couple on the greens. A sign at the entrance to the town, population 5,150, states, “Federal stimulus money paid for our state-of-the-art sewer plant.”
Len and Cal arrived at the security gate, where they asked for real estate agent eve Adams. “Miss Adams is expecting you,” the security guard said. “Make a right at the second street.”
eve, dressed in business attire, welcomed them inside, and immediately got down to business. “This home has been on the market two months,” she said. “The house covers 2,000 square feet, has two bedrooms and two baths, and a small backyard with a sundeck. Other features include an entertainment center and wet bar. sale price: $200,000.”
eve took the reporter and photographer to the nine-hole golf course, which uses water treated at the sewer plant. Paramedics tended to an elderly man who was struck by a golf
ball in a tender area. “He was not wearing protection,” she said. A sign near a pond on the golf course warns golfers it is stocked with piranha and advises them against trying to retrieve golf balls.
“we are adamant against young people skinny-dipping in the pond,” eve said. “we make no bones about it.”
eve then took her guests to the clubhouse and swimming pool. she introduced them to HOA Chairman seymour skinner, and advised them that while clothing is optional, all residents and guests must shower before entering the pool and wear bathing suits, for sanitary reasons.
A buxom brunette named Tania Hyde, a former Hooters server, caught Len’s eye as she lay on a chaise lounge. “Mind if I take your photo?” he asked her, adding he would get a head shot. eve notified him in advance that he needed permission before taking photos of anyone au natural.
“I like sunbathing naked,” Tania said. “I feel like I’m one with nature. Thank God for breast augmentation. everyone is cool here. nobody stares. Men don’t walk around with erections. Don’t put that in the paper.”
Len took enough photos and Cal gathered all the information he needed for his debut real estate feature.
After returning to the office, Cal found out he missed Mayor wes wild’s press conference. The mayor announced a budget deficit triggered a new round of layoffs. Unfortunately, that story had to wait.
Cal fleshed out his story, and filed it for the next day’s deadline. Paige Turner, the copy editor, penned what she thought was a clever headline: “The facts laid bare for home buying in nudist resort.”
Paige confronted Cal the following afternoon. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you,” she said as she handed a printout of his story in larger type with a sentence circled.
Usually diligent, Cal missed a letter. He long ago realized that spell check is not infallible.
spell check had failed “Realty Check.” Cal closed his real estate story by writing, “The golf course is open to the pubic.”
| Sandy Stone is the nom de cyber of a California-born community journalist.
46 • MAY 2016 • the NOISE arts & news • thenoise.us
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