Page 34 - June 2017

How My Spirituality Makes Me Better Than You by Leah Bodenhamer
Each morning I arise, placing my hand on my heart and remember what Matt Kahn says about the heart of God. I breathe here for a few minutes, asking my soul what it needs. Sometimes it needs a really long bath or maybe just to skip work altogether. Sometimes it reminds me to call my spiritual sister and make sure I have that sacred money-manifesting chant in Sanskrit readily available. After this initial check in, I embrace the sunrise, knowing that the purity of my true
self is reflected in all things. I affirm the I AM presence within and breathe into all my energetic channels, meditating on harmony, peace and spiritual guidance. I complete the session with rapid shaking of my entire body. The shaking helps to clear away any negative energy that I picked up from low-vibrational people I came into contact with yesterday. You can never be too careful.
This exquisite ritual only begins to explain the ways in which my life is much holier than yours. I am vibrating at a higher frequency. You could probably feel it if you were close
to me. I AM a realized child of God, because I declare it and that’s all I need to do in order to see that you could probably use my advice. So here’s some spiritual advice for you, as
I humbly witness all the things preventing you from embodying your highest self:
One. Any feelings, thoughts or emotions you have that are disturbing to you in any way
must be banished immediately. These feelings are NOT representative of your true, pure self and so you must learn to quickly transform them in order to vibrate at a higher frequency. Focus on light and love. Light and Love only. All those other feelings will eventually disappear, especially if you check out the sacred Tibetan shaking technique I sell on DVD for only $39.95 (link below). Be amazed as you rapidly transform your life using these simple 1-2-3 steps!
Two. Remind yourself every day that we are one, that we all are connected. Buy some stuff that reminds you how the entire planet is connected! Join a Goddess circle or create one! You don’t need any credentials to guide people in spiritual settings, just an open heart and a big donation jar. The bigger the jar, the better. By charging more, people will take you seriously, as you begin to step into your true power as a self-declared guru. A’ho!
Three. Buy feathers, bones, expensive oils, crystals and other sacred tools (especially the kind that come from other cultures) in order to establish your abilities as a healer. We are all healers within. Most people just don’t know it yet. But if you have these tools, you are much closer to realizing how much more pure you are than other people. Clients will start flocking to you, knowing that you have all the right tools to banish away their negative energies.
Four. Support your friends! Especially if you see that they are avoiding an area in their life because it’s too painful too look at, and then using spiritual dogmas, aphorisms
and affirmations to cover it up — support them! Allow them to be just as they are. It’s totally our birth right to climb the spiritual latter without doing any real work.
After my morning rituals, affirmations and visualizations, I continue the day by asking, how can I make this moment more sacred? Life, as it is, is simply not sacred enough. I have found, in my extensive travels of the globe’s sacred traditions, especially India, that the mind is very powerful. It is simple to convince yourself of anything!! Use your mind to remind yourself, daily, how holy and righteous you are. People will feel the holiness floating off you as you go to the local food coop and spend a whole day’s paycheck on organic spirulina!
Dear brothers and sisters, I am called here to charitably share the wisdom of my 25 (highly spiritual) years on earth to help you change your self and your life. I was once like you. I didn’t meditate or do yoga. I didn’t prostrate before the image of the guru saint. And I definitely didn’t have my fair share of rattles and eagle feathers. But as a result of these practices and my impenetrable self-confidence, I have ascended into higher realms. The angels and archangels have guided me to write this article and, even further, to offer to you, my beloved readers, an invitation to join my weekend retreat next month on powerful vortex land here in Sedona.
I have cleared the entire land, healed all the animals and initiated the birth of the crystal condor pyramid of light that has been prophesized for many generations in a spiritual lineage I joined on instagram. We will be discussing how to use the spoken word to convince yourself that you (and your life) are things that you actually like! By joining me and other self-declared master teachers, we will transcend this low vibrational world of density and become what we were born to be, pure light beings of ascension and planetary importance! See you there!!
Link: beyourownguru.org
illustrations by Kris Pothier
34 • JUNE 2017 | the NOISE arts & news | www.thenoise.us