Page 9 - the Noise July 2017
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John Kerry & John Edwards: Twice the Toilette
hormonal teenage girl,” said Edwards, upon learning he’d been chosen as VP-in-the- running. “And I want to wear dresses.”
Kerry actually smiled at the reaction to Edwards’ inclusion, saying “I’m pretty darn happy about the way things turned out. Sure, at the beginning of the year, I said he
anything to do with his governing abilities – regardless of his little witty remarks otherwise.”
George Bush, purported US president, lamented Edwards’ lack of experience, apparently unaware that he, himself, was unqualified to man the red button. He touted his own VP’s value by saying “Dick Cheney could be president.”
Reporters were baffled and frightened by this.
George Dubya & Dick: A recipe for Anal
Republicans are planning their
next moves, considering the unpleasant
numbers in recent polls. “I fully support our invasion of Iraq,” said Gee Dubya, for the four hundred seventeenth time. “And it has nothing to do with sheer defensiveness. Sure, we didn’t find any WMDs, and the whole thing was launched on false pretenses, and yeah, we didn’t actually let the weapons inspectors finish their work... I still believe we were in danger of MORE idle threats from
Excitement reigns in the Democratic was inexperienced, and probably in diapers camp, as the two Johns have teamed up when I left Vietnam. And sure, he’s only 9 to beat Bush in 2004. “I’m as tingly as a years younger, and that was a pompous
attitude on my part. But hey! He brings some charisma to the ticket!”
Democrats are doing their best not to draw comparisons to another Massachusetts guy – Mikey Dukakis – who managed to lose a 17-point
lead in the 1988 contest against the first-edition Bush. “John Kerry is not Michael Dukakis,” said the DNC spokesman, “but he does have
kooky hair. This doesn’t have
“The popular vote
has little effect on my reelection. And, if I read the Constitution right, I can only be elected twice... but since I haven’t yet been elected ONCE, I think we can look forward to at least eight more years of me!”
Pepto Bismol was soon handed out among the reporting staff.
Ralph Nader and whoever his running mate is
Nader, ever the salsa dancer, stepped up to the podium, dressed in a lovely form-fitting set of khakis and shook his bon-bon. “Hello, Phoenix!” he proclaimed with a flourish. “Are you ready to rummmmmmmblllllllllle?!!”
The crowd, reacting with stunned silence, soon produced the requisite tomatoes and lettuce and battered Mr. Nader into a coma. He is not expected to live, as usual.
Scott Baio and Tina Yothers: the White House Sitcom Expands
Scott Baio made the shocking announcement just seven minutes ago: his running mate on the Spleen Party ticket is none other than cherub-faced bleach
blond, Tina Yothers.
“Screw Joanie; I’m in to blondes, now,”
said Baio, sporting a handlebar mustache wet with chili. “And Tina is a hot pocket. She’s not too old, she’s not a lesbian – that I know of, and she had nothing else to do.”
“My husband doesn’t know about Scott and I,” cooed Yothers, who’s performing as Linda Lovelace, porn star, in a Broadway play. “AndScottreallylovesitwhenIcallhim “Chachi”. It apparently turns him on.”
“If I may interrupt,” said Noise reporter Bertrand P. Wanker, “can you explain to us what your plans are for the country if you were, by a very remote possibility, to be elected?”
“I haven’t thought about that,” admitted Chachi, “all I know is that there’s a secret hallway behind the Oval Office that Tina’s going to callous her knees in.” <N>
Cheney chimed in: “Halliburton is doing a fine job in Iraq. Sure, no-bid contracts were given, and yes, I did once work for the company. It MAY appear as if there’s some kind of insider advantage here. And YES, I am still, to this day, insisting that Iraq and Al Qaeda had ties, regardless of all the evidence otherwise... but I support the invasion of Iraq, too. George is my good buddy, and he must be right.”
“Never mind the poll numbers,” Bush
(JULY 2004) | the NOISE arts & news | JULY 2017 • 9 O8 • THE NOISE • O7.O4 LOOK! More Campaign Coverage!

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