Page 37 - the NOISE December 2012

Dear The Noise Readership and
ArtsMagazineandNews:
I can’t believe that guy got reelected. It makes me so mad, I want to secede from the nation. I didn’t get MY way. The Republic is falling! Our way of life is forever threatened! Socialists have taken over!
Dear:
december twenty-twelve
CAPRICORN: Actually, that whole bit about the presi- dential election and your part in the decline of civiliza- tion that I told you about in October – that’s bunk. The world is ending, as you well know, so your inaction on Election Day didn’t make the slightest difference. You can feel all right about having no say in things at all. If the world survives – and the Mayans were indeed full of sh*& - then this trend of insignificance will continue for you.
AQUARIUS: Nothing. Just nothing.
PISCES: That albatross is closer and closer to the hoose- gow, so you’ll be able to breathe easier for a while. Until then, the best thing you can do is win the lottery. Plen- ty of cheese then, more than you know what to do with.
ARIES: You didn’t kill Zsa Zsa, so you have brought the full strength of karmic justice down upon you. This is your fault, entirely. No matter where you run, or hide, or drop E-tabs with some weird chick named Melinda, you will meet your fate. Not saying it’s bad; not saying it’s good; just real, good, hardy justice. Just bring a lot of aspercreme with you wherever you go.
TAURUS: Horatio Caine is very much a real person, and he’s going to make sure that you pay for what you did. Don’t doubt it.
GEMINI: No poop jokes this time. Your life is crap. Oh, damn, looks like I didn’t see that one coming! Ironic.
CANCER: Santa did, in fact, see what you did. And he is traumatized. You have ruined Christmas for the last time! Mainly, because the world is ending four days be- fore Christmas. Sucks to be you, pretty much any time of year.
LEO: You finally mastered the Gangnam style, and no- body thinks you’re cool.
VIRGO: How does 2012 – and the human epoch – end for you? With an unidentified mucous. It smells a little bit like onions, rotten meat, and limburger and wrapped up in roadkill skunk.
LIBRA: The gorillas haven’t forgiven you for screwing up their chance at literary fame. They have the most excruciatingly painful revenge planned. If you’re clever, and quick, you may be able to escape it until the end of human life on the 21st.
SCORPIO: If the human race still exists after the 21st, it’s your fault, and all those people with sucky lives – pretty much, 99% of them – will hold it against you that their miserable, pointless existences have to drag on toward the inevitable despondency of an old age reflecting on its pitiful past. Quality work, man.
OPHIUCHUS: You can’t do that! Put the plunger down and walk away. It’s not worth it.
JohnBimbo
It’s the end of life as we know it, come the 21st. Un- less you’re reading this afterward. But I doubt you will be... anyone with even a modicum of sense can see that a $140+ million dollar opening weekend for a “Twilight” film means that the human race is on a fast track to incon- sequentiality.
Anyway, since the whole world is ending, I just want to get some things off my chest so I can go to my cosmic endtimes in peace.
First off, I don’t like Mexican food. It looks like some- thing you’d find congealed on a rock near polluted still- water.
Secondly, I think William Shatner is a hell of a fine actor, and all you people who make fun of him, I hope your skin burns off slowly and painfully and your entrance to the next phase of human existence is incredibly horrible.
Next, I’d like to thank you all for your kind words over the years; but aside from Shatner, and that chick down at the Shell station with the perfect cans, I don’t like a single one of you. Life would have been a wonderful experience with none of you here. I take some small solace in the idea that the suffering I endure – pretty much every time I have to interact or acknowledge any of you – is a neces- sary trial that will prepare me for a higher existence, free of others.
Lastly, I want it to be known that I never once spent a dime in a Nevada brothel. I don’t need stuff like that. I’m beyond all that stuff. Except for that chick at Shell. She makes me feel kinda funny.
Later losers,
D. Javenport
Vaguely,
Dear Faux Garage: While we at The Noise support peace and understanding between all creeds of hu- mans... you are at best an unpleasant, at worst a dis- gusting person. Why don’t you run for public office?
Dear The:
I forgot what I was going to say. Never mind.
Sincerely absent minded,
A. Alliteration
Dear AA: Your point about universal health care is interesting, we’d never thought of it that way. But how could Winnie the Pooh fit into this? I think that’d make the whole debate easier. Who can say no to a cute, gentle stuffed bear? People here like salty foods, sug- ary foods, fatty foods, cute animal memes, simplified newsbites, and blaming everyone else for what we do to ourselves. So I think Winnie the Pooh would help us out here. Then we can report it in a highly generic manner, while we feed on boneless Buffalo wings, 64 oz. sodas, and complaining about the rest of the world not being able to solve their own problems because they don’t have a free market system as cool as ours.
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• DECEMBER 2012 • 37