Page 13 - the Noise December 2016

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Dear Angela,
How in a relationship can you promote equal spiritual growth? I am missing that spiritual connection that brought me and my partner together. How can I get my partner engaged and thinking like I do? Why does my husband not shed his layers or feel like he has anything to shed? Is this holding us back, or is that my perception?
Thank you ~ Mel in Cottonwood
Dear Mel,
You ask several poignant questions here, and what stands out to me is that you’re missing the spiritual connection that you feel was a big part of bringing you together. One of the things that can get us hung up in our intimate relationships is expecting that the other person is going to change and evolve the same way that we do. This can set us up for disap- pointment, and can cause control issues because we don’t feel as if a fundamental need is getting met. It can cause us to lose sight of finding and creating mutual ways of fulfilling our needs for intimacy in our relationships. One of my teachers said, “if it isn’t mutual, it isn’t correct.”
Will you ask yourself: “What is it you’re hoping to get/give?” What will feed your sense of connection and how can you get that communication going?
My questions for you: “Are you in it for love? Do you love him and see who he is beneath his layers, and are you willing to be there for him and let him reveal himself, to himself?” Are you vulnerable with him from a place of compassion and humor? What is being asked of you in this? Is there a way you both engage in mutual fun that is working for you, and can
you build on that in the area of spirituality?
I have a hunch that if we stopped imposing our ideas of
spiritual connection onto our partners, and started con- necting with who they really are on a daily basis, we might all get the spiritual (and better sexual connection) that we need. Mel, looking at the world in a similar way can be really important for us, and when he gets that “this is who you are choosing to be”, and you’re doing that in a way that is sur- rendered to life, you will become more attractive to him in a deeper way and he will want to be more present with you. Being a man in the world can be a difficult and challenging thing, and it can sometimes be difficult for a man to “switch gears”, so be consistent in your desire with him and give him time to soften. If he’s in love with you, you’ll know, and he’ll meet you in that place.
Dear Angela,
I am dealing with morning sickness. Some days are fine, but others kick my ass. My husband recently quit smoking pot, which is great but now his sex drive is in full force. I’m totally content doing it once a week. What should I do?
— Tired in Tucson
Dear Tired,
This is the age old complaint! Men and women have differ- ent biological drives, and typically, pre-menopause women have lower testosterone and for men it’s higher, yet this shifts
with testosterone levels in women rising after menopause and waning in men at a similar age. For many women, the biological drive is to be primary caretakers of children, have
a peaceful home (and now many of us have jobs on top of that) and we can find that we have little energy left at the end of the day for our beloved husband. Being pregnant on top
of that means your hormones are fluctuating, and we each experience that a little differently. While it may be easier to give the excuse that you are just ‘too tired’ every night, there may be a way to ignite that kindred spark between both of you even after the end of a long day.
Can you ask him what other ways you can both find fulfillment? How else can he channel that energy? A simple conversation to get your current needs and expectations out in the open could be a place to start so your spouse hears that you love him and understand his needs, and so he can hear yours. Creating a baby is something we all cherish, and he un- derstands this, even if it’s challenging for him sometimes. Sug- gest things he could do to help you recharge (and increase
his chance of getting some!): foot rubs, hot baths, music, and conversations on the patio are a great way to get that much needed feeling of connection and intimacy.
Perhaps if your husband experiences this form of connec- tion on a more regular basis, he may not need to go all the way as often, or you might find that his extra attention actu- ally gets you relaxed and receptive enough to allow for more physical connection. One of the things we forget is that good sex recharges us, so if we can do something enjoyable to tran- sition from our hectic ‘adulting’ into something that is fun and recharging, we may be much less likely to be ‘too tired tonight honey’. It’s a win-win, and the worst case is a great foot-rub!
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