Page 41 - the NOISE October 2012

Dear The Noise:
Well, the presidential election is upon us, like a festering wound. Soon, we’ll vote for the bandage that will supposedly keep conditions from worsening, if not healing outright. Like treating lung cancer with a paperclip and a rubber band – where is MacGyver when you need him?
All that said, it is curious that, for two election cycles in a row, the GOP has nominated a curmudgeon with a habit for bum- bling his words in any situation that serves as a reasonable mea- surement of presidential suitability. One could, with little stretch of the imagination, conclude that the Repubs know the state of the union was left so bad by 2008 that they really don’t want to take it over, but can’t simply roll over and die – so the only choice is to sport a candidate that can’t win. Meanwhile, eight years of Donkey leadership can, in 2016, be blamed for the mess – be- cause everyone sitting at home watching the debates is devoid of long-term memory, and perfectly willing to accept the seven- second soundbites from a variety of pill-popping talking heads on every insufferably adolescent “news” channel and website.
Then again, there is an alternate theory, that the Dems are using voodoo to manipulate the public, or subliminal messag- ing during “Breaking Bad,” or something in the water, because who the hell actually believes that the sicko socialist ideology can lead to anything but fire and brimstone? Take money from the rich, give it to the poor. How ridiculously Robin Hood! But if the speaker is charismatic enough, he’ll win you over. Then all those gay-loving, traditional-marriage hating, poor-supporting, immigrant-ass-kissing, establishment-toppling hippie pinkos will do whatever he says, no matter how it destroys the very foundational fabric of the empire. History be damned.
Of course, if you’re of the mindset that politics will fix the basic failing of culture and folkways that exacerbate and perpetuate the constant picking of that festering wound, a habit that will in time cause the death of the organism, then by all means put your faith in the politicians and the corporations that own them. For those with a heightened state of awareness, turn off the television, tune out of the fear-mongering media, stop settling for panem et circenses and be the one thing the politicians can never be – effective.
Dear Noise:
I just save 15% or more on my car insurance! Ask me how! Not suspiciously at all,
Dear Gecko:
I know what’s going on here. And I won’t fall for it. We have more integrity than to ever stoop to the level of “product placement.” Besides, explain to me why an Aussie member of the Scleroglossa suborder of the Reptilia class would be such a proponent of reduced rate car insurance, when his preferred method of travel is quadrupedal and, most certainly, not in a gasoline-powered machine of dubious environmental distinc- tion! I think you are a fraud, sir. And I won’t save money with you.
Dear The:
I recently fell off the wagon, and while drinking myself into what I hope is an early grave, I had an intense vision of the end of humanity.
Without going into too much detail – since I’m expecting a call offering a book deal at any moment – there is the distinct possibility that our own U.S. Congress is involved. And ponies. Pink ones that fly.
I am offering to write an article for your fine publication, for which I will expect a relatively large stipend, though the level of detail I’ll offer your two-bit fish wrapper will certainly not compare to whatever the big news stations are going to pay me. Whatever the case, I do a lot of thinking, and that certainly enti- tles me to cash rewards. It’s really not all that common a practice. You’ve seen the Repub and Dem National Conventions, right? Somebody paid for those atrocities.
I’m cutting this short, because I’m sobering up and in danger of reconsidering posting this letter to you. Anyway, think about my column offer. And I don’t work on a sliding scale, so don’t even try it, you cheap bastards.
Placidly,
OCTOBERT- WENTY-TWELVE
CAPRICORN: Guess what, Capricorn – your vote decides the presidential election. So yeah, the decline of western civilization falls squarely on you. Oh sure, you could just opt not to vote, and spare yourself the guilt, but that may be the choice that tips the scales. No matter what you do, it’ll absolutely be your fault what happens.
AQUARIUS: All the greatest ideas emerge from the hum- blest of sources, which means you have no chance of a great idea. You might fulfill some lesser role in the scheme of things, but by all meaningful measures, you are a speck of cosmic poo – possibly useful in the fertilization of some- thing greater, but for the most part just stinky, toxic chunk.
PISCES: You failed to kill Zsa Zsa, and therefore, you fail at life.
ARIES: Be careful where you step this month, because there is a distinct possibility that you will fall through the seventh seal and spend eternity in a magma-strewn plane of burnt sub-earth, forty miles underneath the surface. Fact is, this is super inconvenient for you, and rescue teams never go below that twenty-third mile. And just try to get a cell-signal down there! Ain’t happening.
TAURUS: You step on a rake and, yeah, it causes the handle to fly up and smack you square in the center of the fore- head. Although it causes a concussion, it’s absolutely hilari- ous to everyone else. Your clumsiness and awkward nature are great sources of joy for those superior to you, which is everyone, by the way.
Pedantically,
Bond Jimbo
GEMINI: Remember olestra oil – isn’t that the stuff they put in chips to lower the fat content? I think that’s the one that gave people the Hershey squirts, an appetizing side-effect nearly as delightful as the non-potato texture of the chips themselves. Anyway, there’s been a pocket of this olestra in your colon that has defied the digestive process for years – and guess what? It’s about to release. Wear plastic pants, and avoid public transit.
CANCER: Face your fears – use the potty alone, just once this month. You may find you like it.
LEO: Your money-maker – an impressive and shapely pair of trouser hams – is aching to hit the town and do it Gang- nam style. Just use your own moves – don’t steal them from an Aries native you know. She totally notices if you do.
VIRGO: A piano, a tall stairway, and a bad time to stand there. Put it all together, and what do you have? Your Oc- tober fortune!
LIBRA: Gorillas take over your home, and they’ve brought typewriters with them. They’re determined to accidentally reproduce the works of Shakespeare before those damn chimpanzees do it first. The long-term rewards for the rep- utation of gorillas are obvious. Just let them do their work and they won’t rend you limb from limb.
SCORPIO: Just your luck, you drop an atomic weapon your friend was asking you to take care of. You’re dead, as well as everyone else in a thirty-seven mile radius. Oops.
SAGITTARIUS: If kitty didn’t kill you last month, rest as- sured it will happen this month.
OPHIUCHUS: My car needs a good waxing. Come on over and get it done. It’s not like anything else is happening for you! And if you could just go ahead and make sure to de- tail the grill and lights, that’d be great, mmkay? Thanks a bunch.
A.Gecko
J. Finkle
thenoise.us • the NOISE arts & news magazine • OCTOBER 2012 • 41